Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Tool Time

I recently bought my first power tools. I have finally graduated from my brightly colored KidKraft Tool Set, and settled upon a beefy DeWalt 14.4-volt Drill Driver. Now, I’m not sure what the hell 14.4 volts do, or why words like “torque” and “carbide jaws” will be applicable to my chosen profession, but I know that as a Production Designer I must own power tools. And unfortunately, know how to operate them.

In Junior High shop class, I was able to get around having to operate construction machinery with ease. If I buttered Elaine up with a little gossip, she would gladly run my masonite through the bandsaw. My cousin, with the obedience of a Labrador puppy, would diligently haul, saw, and chop anything I requested. And more often than not, I could convince the instructor to do my work for me, insisting he “show me how to do it one more time” before he had effectively cut out all the necessary project pieces.

Unfortunately, along with the classic bandsaw and table saw, my Materials of Design class required students to learn how to use machines like the router, drill press, vacuform, and the terrifying lathe. Adding to my knowledge of foreign words were things like “jib,” “dado,” “miter,” and “styrene.” But similar to years prior, I got around it. The guys in the shop were incredibly helpful, and if I brought a set of boobs in the form of Michelle, they would happily conquer the building process.

I would also manipulate materials in ways that would not subject me to splinters, blood, or possible (and probable) dismemberment. While the other students machined intricate structures and practical products with Plexiglas and plywood, I employed a bathtub, oven, and sewing machine to make a dress. That’s right, I made a dress in shop class. Consequentially, the dress was displayed in the Art Center Student Gallery because of its creative use of materials. Visualizing the Story, however, required me to load up on the Production Designer gear: tool box, level, measuring tape, hammer, screwdrivers, paper tape, carpet tape, fishing wire, nails, screws, nuts and bolts, and of course the electric drill.

It’s a great feeling, really, having bought my first power tools. It’s like a right of passage, an affirmation of my masculinity. I haven’t felt this butch since I changed a flat tire outside a gay bar in West Hollywood, dressed in size 7 Sevens and a tight Polo.

2 Comments:

At 8:52 AM, Blogger Deidra said...

My little Frankie's growing up!

I must say you made a very good choice with the DeWalt. Patrice swears by the DeWalt drill because the handle is smaller for women (or gay man) hands. Warren prefers the Makita. Little Meek-Meek would mock you 'til the day you died if she read this post. She works in a nuts and bolts store and thinks she's the hottest thing ever because she knows all about power tools and the grade of bolts.

Have I ever told you that you're a little prissy boy? You should have had a welder for a dad and a woodworker for a mom. It may not have done much for my feminimity, but I sure know how to run all sorts of power tools!

 
At 8:12 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

so glad you use my boobs the way i use my boobs...

 

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