Sunday, June 25, 2006

Spontaneity Rules

I hate flying.

I’m not scared of heights, and I’m not scared of dying on a plane. I don’t fear a renegade pigeon will be sucked into the engine turbine. I’m not worried about the threat of hijackers. I don’t think a crack in the 4-inch thick windowpanes will open up and suck me out into the abyss.

I hate the inconvenience. Sure, airlines have streamlined their dispensation process to levels of military extremes. But there is always, ALWAYS the chance that some glitch will arise, and it inevitably occurs when you’ve made plans long in advance. Not when you book a flight 3 days before departure – no. It’s as if the flight gods, bored by no prospects of terrorism due to increased security, take pleasure by punishing planners. A spontaneous international jaunt to Sydney, Australia for the weekend? No problem. Reservations made months prior for a wedding in a neighboring major city? Congratulations! You get to enjoy your limited time with your high school friends via a cell phone, stuck in an airport terminal!

Well, fuck you, Delta. See if I use Mommy’s AmEx to get more frequent flier miles from you anymore!

I long for the old days of travel. I’m not talking about covered wagons and oxen (mine always drown at the end, in a river), but chic passenger trains. I can picture it now…A snazzy tune wafting from a piano, set in a warmly decorated Deco lounge car. Coco Chanel’s latest designs draped on beautifully bobbed women. My freshly pressed Argonne Arrow dress shirt, and long black tails on my fancy suit. A glass of champagne, as I gossip with the other socialites of 20s society.

Or better yet, what about the glorious days of steam liners? Regardless of the fact it would take weeks to get from one port to the next, those massive ships were always reliable (RMS Titanic not withstanding). If the captain said they’d dock at 8am, by golly, they’d be docked by 8am. And those were even classier than passenger cars!

Now here I sit…two canceled flights later, my stand-by status ignored due to an already over-booked flight, and 8 hours behind schedule. But, of course, a quick call to Southwest Airlines assures me a flight thirty minutes from now. Why? Because the fucking flight gods having nothing better to do than reign terror on planners.

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